In Search of Forgiveness.

What are the seeds of forgiveness?
Empathy, compassion, understanding, trust, and believing all come to mind. From that grows hope, and a sense of connecting with humanity.
Forgiveness cuts the cords to the oppressive burden of guilt roll away
Leaving a lovely scent of violets?

Sharon is a 20 something single mom of an eight year old little boy. She is an exuberant, gifted young woman who is fully bilingual, has many marketable skills, excellent interpersonal talents and has a strong presence. I was drawn to her the first time she walked into my office a couple of years ago, seemingly full of confidence with a strong streak of independence. That persona dropped quickly as she openly shared her story.

There is always a story. Someone doesn't end up at the end of the road trying to live on social assistance without a story.

Despite her many talents, Sharon had little hope at the time of finding employment. Why? She had stolen money from her employer and was being charged with theft. In the fall of 2003, her partner had left her holding a big bag of financial debt, with the sole responsibility of caring for their son. Her crisis continued to escalate. Rent was too steep for her to manage on her own, and she was getting behind on her bills. Instead of reaching out to her family, she tried to deal with her situation on her own. Pride and denial drove her deeper into a financial quagmire until one day she received a last notice from the Hydro company stating that her power was to be turned off within a week unless her bill was paid in full.

What to do?

There was a money float of petty cash in the large office where she worked in as an administrative receptionist. She decided to "borrow" the money to pay the bill, with the intentions of repaying it before anyone noticed it missing.

More bills came in. More threats from companies. More pressure to manage her life and look after her son piled on her. Suffocating from the stress, and very tired from lack of sleep, Sharon. admitted that she was not thinking straight at all when she decided to "borrow" more money. All the while, she kept her head in the sand, not admitting to herself that what she was doing was illegal. 3 months later just before Christmas, reality slammed into her. She was in way over her head and had no means to pay the money back. Finally, she turned to her mother and her aunt and told them the story. Undoubtedly they were taken aback by it all, but quickly arranged to support her by loaning her the money to pay the office back in full.

Sharon's story rivetted me............this vulnerable individual doing the best she could in the situation she found herself in. Sure, her choices were wrong......... but what would I do if I found myself in her shoes?

The next day, Sharon went straight into her Manager's office and confessed. She explained to her that she would have the money back in full by the end of the week. Her Manager was shocked, mostly because Sharon doesn't "fit" the picture one has of a thief (whatever that looks like), but informed Sharon that she would have to report the incident to her superior. Expecting this response, she wrote a long letter to the CEO explaining the circumstances, describing how badly she felt about it, and that she had full intentions of paying it back. She thought that given her unblemished track record up until then, the fact that she got along with everyone, that she worked hard etc, that they would reconsider pursuing the matter with the local authorities. Unfortunately, when management did an accounting of all petty cash withdrawals etc, they found that 3 times as much money had been siphoned off than Sharon was admitting to. They didn't believe her when she told them she didn't take that amount. Very quickly they contacted the police and pressed charges.

I listened to her story and was perplexed for many reasons , but mostly because I knew that if I had been in the same situation, I may have done the same thing. She was no different than me. In fact, we had clicked because we shared similar personality qualities. Given that she really had nothing to lose by telling me her version of the events, and she seemed gracious and full of remorse, I intuitively believed her. We talked at length about her fears of the impending court hearing, and the reality that she was now living on a small fixed income with no possibility of working for a while until she knew where things were headed. It was grim.

Our conversation then shifted gears as I offered her some hope by arranging for her to meet with a Career Counsellor to explore the possibility of going to university. We talked about her dream of obtaining her degree. It was exactly what I had envisioned for her while we talked and I shared that with her. This bonded our interaction even more. I encouraged her to take the opportunity to focus on her future dreams after the nightmare and penance were over. Then, I gave her the name of her Case Manager, gave her a hug and wished her well.

2 months went by. We didn't meet again, but I kept up to date on her situation by the the front page article of her court case in the local paper. She was not going to jail. Instead, she received 6 months in-house arrest, and 6 months probation after that. I called her at home that day to see how she was. Relieved but still shaking and upset she was ready to serve her time. I told her that I was thinking about her and let her know that she could call me anytime. I never heard from her directly throughout her house arrest period, but knew through the grapevine, that she had enrolled at University September 2004, amazingly starting while still under house arrest and managed to successfully complete her first year.

This time last year, a colleague happened to mention that her morning appointment to apply for a childcare subsidy had cancelled because she had withdrawn from university. Because I'm nosey..............I asked who it was. It was Sharon. This colleague was new and had no idea that I would have had any previous contact with Sharon. It seemed like a fluke, but as soon as I heard Sharon's name, I knew that I had to act. I wanted to act. I called her promptly to invite her in to talk. Her response was one of surprise and gratitude that I had remembered her and that I cared.

Sharon arrived back to my office days later armed with two coffees and a hungry eagerness to talk. In-house arrest was very tough. But, she did it and learned from the experience. She spoke of the incessant need to be self-directed and disciplined during the circumstances. She spoke of the loss of dignity and respect, the feeling of always being monitored, the bottomless sense of freedom she felt when it was over, her relationship with her Probation Officer and how she is still in touch with them (that's a first, I'm sure). Most importantly, she described the impact that the whole awful episode had on her son. He had taken the brunt of the emotional turmoil and was acting it out in school, on the playground, and at home. Sharon felt that she had to withdraw from school, find employment and be present for her son. He needed her, and she needed to have regular work hours to offer him a more secure and predictable home life.

Throughout the conversation, Sharon sprinkled it with comments about forgiveness; finding forgiveness, forgiving herself, believing others have forgiven her, searching for a sense of calm that forgiveness provides. Ridding the guilt. She hadn't found it yet. In fact, she had experienced the freeze out by a potential employer that had initially sought her out and was on the verge of offering her a very good job opportunity. But when Sharon openly told them her whole story, the door was slammed shut. And it hurt. She was stung.

So, she continued to to search for the grace to forgive herself and move on, still hopeful that someone out there would give her a chance at redemption. She also continued to touch base with me, which I encouraged because I really liked her. I really wanted her to succeed. Most importantly, she had taught me a huge lesson in honest integrity and in owning up to mistakes. I wanted to see if she would be able to move on and forgive herself and not be like so many who remain stuck flogging their own foibles.

It didn't take as long as either one of us thought. Sharon had arrived at a fundraising Christmas Bazaar I had organized for my son's school last November to volunteer to run an activity for me. She had offered as a way to support me, and I had gratefully accepted. After the event was over, we met up outside when she told me that she was going to be starting a new job at the beginning of the week..... She had been completely honest with her employer during the interview. It was her honesty that landed her the job.

Sharon continues to work. Her son is doing well. She has a new man in her life. She has moved on as an active and successful member of our community.........with hopes of returning to University one day soon. She wants to be a lawyer. :)