I wrote most of this post last week, initially as a way to assess my own increasing level of anger over my situation at work where I'm feeling a great deal of stress. It sat as a draft until today when the ideas I had grew deeper. I have been involved in a train the trainer workshop this week on Family Violence and the Law and will be arranging a variety of workshops for the frontline staff I work with. Then, after the incident in Montreal yesterday, I thought it was time to complete it. It's interesting sometimes that a topic can surface in our thinking and then take on a life of it's own based on circumstances that feed it.
Are individuals apt to be more angry now than years ago? We seem to be a nation of angry people perpetuating an atmosphere of retribution. Our world is filled with enough rage to heat our homes and fill our gas tanks. Sure there are legitimate reasons to make the blood boil........corruption, violence, terrorism, injustice, discrimination, oppression, poverty, and the senseless atrocities associated with the abuse of power. Evil lurks out there.
What about the daily personal occurances that generate a flare up? Disrespect at work, a thoughtless remark, being ignored or slighted, communication breakdown, or complete misunderstanding of actions? These too trigger an outburst of anger adrenaline.
And then there are the trivial matters that can get under your skin. Can't find your keys again for the 10th time this week? Are you so busy that multi-tasking while making dinner confuses the wires in your brain that you end up forgetting an important ingredient? You've run out of laundry detergent, toilet paper, or dog food? Your favourite team starts tanking just before the play-offs? Someone has taken apart the newspaper before you're able to read it? Oh, the list can be ridiculously long.
Is anger ever helpful? Is there a time when feeling angry is a good thing? For the most part, it seems so destructive and counterproductive. It also seems like it has a tendancy to start as a piece of kindling that can easily turn into a blazing campfire, all within your belly. When anger is turned inward, it will be disguised as self-loathing, passive aggression, and sarcasm. In some cases when it is left to fester the implosion may result in suicide. And as we have witnessed again, in rare situations, it results in homicide. Rumination leads to depression. Bottled up up anger needs to go somewhere.............
When we let our anger out and direct it to others, we may feel good temporarily. But releasing anger inappropriately may also get us into trouble. Frequent temper tantrums may result in getting fired, while fistfights and assaults may land us in jail. Office rage, road rage, vandalism, and random violence are examples of anger out of control . We hear of them regularly. These are not random acts anymore. What do we do about this? Not only does it affect our personal health, it is wreaking havoc on our communities. The extreme was acted out at Dawson College.
So, whats the solution? Anger management is a cottage industry for counsellors and their ilk. Like an addiction, one can't force someone into anger management treatment if they havent wholeheartedly agreed to it. Any "programs" I have read or heard about seem too minimally basic. If someone is at a point in their lives when they need to learn to understand their uncontrollable anger, a weekly group session isn't going to cut it. Often, a person who is susceptible to expressing themselves violently has progressed over years to a point where they are a danger to the health of the people in their lives and to themselves. Also, like any profession, exceptional therapists with a deep understanding of the genesis of rage are few and far between.
The basic premise behind anger management is also full of faults. There is a belief that the expression of anger is lack of self-control. An individual not coping is a person who has allowed anger to control their actions and not visa versa. But isn't anger an inherent reaction to negative situations? Out of control expression of it is a complicated accumulation of negative situations. One does need new approaches to dealing with life...................relaxation techniques, understanding own triggers, understanding the connections between depression, anxiety and anger and consequently learning how to express it in an acceptably healthy manner. This takes more time and an open willingness to change than most people realize. Plus, it has to be accomplished all within the confines of the person's "world." That "world" (dysfunctional family, no friends/dysfunctional friends) isn't changing along with them. How impossible is that to try to make huge changes in your life all the while to try to fit into your world that perpetuates the dysfunctional coping mechanisms?
Is there a solution? Instead of looking at managing anger, what if we looked at transforming the anger? Can we find a way to use it to our advantage? Can the fire in the belly heat a transformation? Creativity, for example often stems from anger or sadness. Have you ever tried to write a poem when you're feeling euphoric? It's much easier to pound out the words when all flares are glowing. Some of the best ideas, the best inventions came out of the bowels of despair. Is success not the best revenge? It's definately the sweetest.
Activism and working towards social change is generated by the fire in the belly isn't it? Oppression often leads to "doing something about it" by both individuals and groups. How empowering. If there is a feeling of injustice, why not put the anger to work in a productive way instead of allowing it to lead you down the road to apathy? Anger can also renew the passion and human spirit. It's funny how those two seemingly diposed feelings are so linked. The depth of a passion is often so strong that it feels a bit like anger.
Personal pain can also transcend through spiritual endeavours, such as prayer, meditation, forgiveness and reconciliation. Remember Desmond Tutu? He developed a whole healing process for South Africa as an attempt to transform the pain that was inflicted through apartheid. If we perceive that we are no longer alone in our efforts to control anger, we can overcome the pain by relying on the hope of our faith. When spirituality is the foundation of our values, we have the chance to transform our anger into a sense of forgiveness. From anger comes serenity.................if its transformed and not managed.
6 comments:
Is there a possibility that if anger management is taught in school to every child that society may be able to teach all children coping mechanisms while they are still developing rather than waiting until something explosive happens? My son is a child who is repeatedly picked on and bullied. He is typically very smart with the highest grades but doesn't make friends easily and I am always afraid of what might happen to him.
If all children are exposed maybe bullies will be less likely to pick on others and those who are picked on will be able to cope.
Great post!!!!
I will come back to comment more later, just wanted to let you know I read this and once again am really impressed by your insight and skill at writing.
Hey Sunnyside
I'm a strong believer that one needs to look at the "goal" behind the behaviour, especially with respect to children. Don Dinkmeyer, who developed the STEP program for parents as a way of coping with misbehaviour believes that there are really four "goals:" Attention, Control/Power, and Feeling of Inadequacy are three of them. For the life of me, I can't remember the fourth as I write this.
One has to deal with the whys behind the misbehaviour and address that. So, with bullies, we need to figure out why their acting out, clarify it and even describe it to the child and then help them transform their anger into something more productive. It sounds easy, but I know it's not, because the underlying foundation of any of these "goals" especially feeling inadequate stems from self-esteem and self-identity issues.
It's so difficult to help a child who is recipient of bullying, particularly when it happens to be your child. My daughter went through a year of hell trying to deal with a girl in her class who was a passive aggressive bully. It was so slippery because it was done in an almost off the cuff manner, and done often when no one else was around to hear the mean comments.
My husband and I spent many hours trying to coach her to first of all realize what was going on and then address it head on when it happened. She learned to be much more assertive and to be able to identify the "slights" and meanness quickly. Often, she would just walk away, and not react..........this helped extinguish it.
Barbara......I look forward to your comments and feedback. I always enjoy reading your well written posts too.
Excellent post. You understand this matter of anger.
I'm in agreement.
Can't really think of much to add, although I know about how to control one's anger... part of it is thought control and perspective. Also conditioning. One can condition one's psyche to be calm in even the worst of situations, as we've seen in all kinds of professionals from ER nurses to police, firefighters, soldiers in combat zones...
If they can do it, regular folks can. There just needs to be motivation and perhaps some good advice on how to go about it, as not everyone figures it all out on their own.
For me, the most effective way to suppress, or even prevent anger is thought control. You see, if we think of things one way, we can react in anger due to an inherent belief that it's something that's worthy of going nuts about. But if we think of the same thing another way, we can be calm or stoic in the face of that thing. And I've found that calmness and stoicity has an infectious effect on others... they tend to calm down when they see I'm calm, and when they're trying to piss me off, they stop and become respectful when they see that I'm stoic no matter what they do.
On the other hand, if we're the ones misbehaving, we're likely going to spark a negative opposite reaction in others.
True story. Controlling one's own thoughts does help one to control one's gut reactions. I'm convinced that the intellect and the psyche are connected.
Oh, and btw, I find that it works on dogs, as well... they sense one's state of mind/feelings. I've made large, barking dogs stop barking by simply saying in my unusually deep voice, "Chill out, dude"... and they do.
That doesn't usually work with little dogs, though... many little dogs are simply nuts and one just can't get 'em to quiet down. Weird. What's up with little dogs?!
Hi Sentinel Guy.
Good to see a new comment from you. Youre always full of vim and vigour and funniness!
Thought control, I believe only works if there is a way to transform the anger into something more positive. Dealing with angry people, you're right.....if you control the situation and not let it escalate, ANd show respect, the anger dissipates.
Do you know William Glasser? He's a guru on Control Theory/Reality Therapy.........a firm believer in the interconnectiveness of thinking, feeling, doing and physiology....if you're feeling angry, for example a method to alter the feeling is to alter the thinking. Acting/doing something like taking charge of a situation in a positive way instead of allowing the anger to mold the "doing" will only exacerbate it. If you google his name, you'll find loads on his stuff. It's good a management technique.
Little dogs? Are they really considered dogs? They're actually mops with mouths. Give me a Labrador Retriever anyday!
OH, I'm always full of something. ON that everyone can agree.
That Willy G. guy... name rings a distant bell. Will remember to Yahoo that name (I boycott Google for their discriminatory anti-conservative-website censorship wrt Google News).
Little dogs... yes, mops with mouths... and ani. They clean the floor with one end and mess it up with the other. And they're not going to switch ends to clean up their own mess... though I've heard that it has happened... not that I've witnessed it, thankfully. *GAG*!
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