a cross of limbs
But you might get lucky now and then
You win some, you might get lucky now and then
You win some
Mark Knopfler, Get Lucky
I have learned to find stillness inside my core. Not all the time. When I need to seek it. Music guides me there. With its soothing melodic sound, I allow it to surround me like a warm comforting shawl wrapped around my whole body. Soft earthy colours that gently touches my senses but doesn't impede my freedom to allow life's hymns to penetrate my flesh. In fact, it seems to do the opposite. It opens me up to receiving the flow of thought and feeling as I breathe. Accompanied by candlelight clarity and ancient hymns, I have learned to seek out a relaxed sanctuary where I can embrace vulnerability with a sense of soul safety.
Sometimes, I don't have to set up my own little chapel of stillness. Sometimes, it finds me when I'm least expecting it or when I need it the most..... when the sounds of my world resemble clashing cymbals, offbeat noise generated by loud obnoxious fumes generated from life out of hand. Ringing in my ears. Ringing in my soul. I've learned to recognize those off kilter moments, especially if I am physically and/or emotionally spent, and do something about it. Then, I gather my outgoing energy and turn it inwards. Just for a brief respite until I can reach the end of a stressful, busy, loud noisy day when I can snuggle into the comfort of the shawl for a longer period of time. It makes me smile as I write this. Regeneration.
Paradoxically, it's a process of regaining some control of what is allowed to penetrate me and what I long to release by letting go of the controls. Recently, I learned itt's a form of centring. Integrating head and heart with something far deeper and mysterious in the core of my soul. That is where the guiding light is. Down this dark shadowy tunnel, a guiding light awaits. Its glow awakens calm, courage, clarity. Its glow invites resolution by letting you safely look deeply into the place where tears are made. Not the ones that flow down cheeks. These soultears are the ones that weep into muscles and bones. They touch upon the tension and untie the bruising knots that stiffen the body and mind. Just by breathing. Alone. In candlelight clarity. Inside ancient hymns. Healing happens.
Since I'm not a person prone to following directions or rules, my drummer beats to its own cadence. In the summer, I sat outside on my back deck under the stars surrounded by the warm wafting breeze, enraptured by the fireflies while listening to music. Sometimes I had a hot mug of tea close by. Sometimes I poured myself a glass of crisp white wine to sip on. Behind me, music would play out of the speakers, filling the air around me with loving familiarity. A whole evening would slip away as I sat in peace, allowing the thoughts and feelings transfer in and out of my consciousness as I listened to a few selected CD's. One of them was Mark Knopfler's, Get Lucky. This fall, I misplaced the CD. I don't have a clue where it went because I never took it outside of the house. Mysteriously, it disappeared and it has bothered me that I have lost my copy. Since then, I have found other pieces of music..... some classical, some traditional choir music..... some jazz melodies.
Memories, ideas, beautiful faces from the past, fears, grief, gaps of wondering if I would ever find the answers. It helped me to immeasurably learn that not only are there many important situational events in life that have no resolution, it doesn't matter if you just let go of their hold on you. Ah, but then there were moments of clarity when the messages reached me........ of how blessed I am. How loved I am. How contented I felt. How you win some. How letting those tears hiding inside the soul come alive when the light is shone on them.
This gift I have been given first revealed itself over a year ago when I attended the Greenbelt festival and found myself exhausted and jittered with stressy complications walking into an ethereal feeling room called Soulspace. I wrote about the experience, here, here and here. (I had a lot to say! It was so new to me that I wanted to capture its full essence....) Yes, I had to fly across the deep Atlantic pond to find a way to stillness! I am forever grateful because it has been my companion, my guide, my way of resolving the pain and hurt I have felt during my marriage break-up more than any other activity. It was only this fall though that I learned while at a writing/meditation retreat that what I had been practising was a formal way of praying! And to think I thought I was moving to an original beat! Of course it is a process tied into the school of the eternal.
So, why do I bring it up this morning....... a seemingly typical November day that is about to welcome daylight in shades of grey? It has been a while since the music from my summer moments sitting out in warm healing breezes under the stars returned. But, when I open my eyes, I swear I could hear it playing...... you win some........ you might get lucky now and then........ you win some........ Knopfler's reliable voice was playing in my psyche. Needless to say, I awoke calm. I awoke with a smile on my face of memories of stillness... of sitting alone but never feeling alone.
No need to seek out the place of centring. It found me. Its a part of me now. Symbolically, this is truly a good thing. Because this morning, I will meet the person who has played a key role in the pain and grief I am gradually to let go of. For the first time, I will meet a stranger who already is meaningful in my life journey, who has altered it in ways I never predicted. Revisiting the music and stillness I gravitated to last summer has set me up with a sense of readiness for this encounter. It will allow me to express myself in a manner that has a tone of forgiveness towards a human being and not the ugly monster I had conjured up in my head. All the nasty accusations have disappeared from my internal conversations....... I'm ready to be human to another human.
Healing comes under different shawls of comfort. Healing comes when stillness leads you to the internal light that shines on a place where tears are made. Healing comes when you feel the breath of God in every breath you take, knowing you're not alone. Healing comes when the hymns of life transform the energy from the outside zip to the inside stories unfolding. It's soul work. Not easy. It was the hardest work I've ever done...pushing through all of those raging feelings, learning how to pray in my own manner. But, now that I am capable of it, I'm free. And lucky.
Ps. By the end of the day, I will have another copy of that CD!