a stroll inside a system.

There's always a reason or two or three why someone has found themselves living on social assistance. It's not a lifestyle choice, though it can easily turn into a lifestyle. Once someone has walked through the door of the welfare office, which is recognized as the last stop at the end of the road for financial help, and finds out they qualify for assistance, the longer they remain on and IN the system the harder it is to get off. It's a big black hole of dependence. It's like the scene in Alice in Wonderland where she keeps falling and falling through the rabbit hole, only there isn't a tea party at the end of the drop. Rather, it leads to a maze which seems to have one dead end after another, all made more complicated by the distorting mirrors which reflect shame, guilt and fear. It takes such emotional strength to figure out how to exit successfully before depression, desolation and dependence sets in. It ain't Wonderland like Alice's. Its more like Wretched Wonderland.

There is no room to look at someone's situation at face value though the way things are set up with a shrinking number of people working in the frontlines that's the typical approach. A one line summing up of why someone is receiving a paltry monthly cheque from the government in order to survive doesn't cut it. As far as I'm concerned the word "lazy" is a four letter one. It could be that their outward behaviour appears to be lazy-like, but the internal churnings, the conflicts behind the actions spell out a very different description of what is really going on. I have always believed and will continue to believe that "being on welfare" is the least of the worries....... "being on welfare" is a symptom of internal angst. If we are to ever really and truly help the human beings who are able to lift up and out of the system once and for all, we need time to respectfully connect, engage, interact, understand, encourage, listen, listen, listen and guide them ONE AT A TIME out of the wretchedness. And for the people who simply need to remain receiving assistance, they need our support and comforting and understanding.


If one wants to help someone pull themselves up from the mucky mire, one has to help them unravel their feelings and let them tell their story. It's the only way out...... it is the map to figuring out how to get out of the maze. What makes it complicated is that the map contours are different for everyone. How to interpret it is an individually driven process. Sure there are generalizations that can be applied. It is a known fact that the majority of people who end up sitting across from someone like me is suffering from depression. Even knowing that and helping someone recognize this is not enough, especially if the person is a part of a family or community who have historically been linked to the social welfare system for years.


It takes time and a willingness on both sides of the interactive partnership to dig deep to find the reasons behind the circumstances.....It takes time to sift through to figure out where the fear and the emotional pain dwell in their souls. The map always has the same destination.......if you take the time to read it together.


I look for signs of motivation.....the brute determination, the fire in the belly, the hope behind the words and expressions as markers on the person's personal map to help me see if there is a readiness to move forward and I point it out to them. I look for signs of emotional turmoil, usually shared in a story or two that have floated up to the top of the conversation like buoys bobbing in the open harbour of thoughts. I look for the fear...........the rope wrapped around the burdened statements that begin with the words "BUT," "I Can't,"............or in the eyes which spell out hesitation, loss, unknown..........sometimes even hidden behind the self deprecating humour thrown out in the conversation. Sometimes is is caught up in the back of the throat recognized in a whispered feeling between the words. These are at the crux of why someone simply can't get unstuck from the muck that is their life.



The other day, I met with a very young mother in her home. I wanted to see her environment. I was curious about how she interacted with her toddler. Outward appearances, she seemed to have everything in place to grab hold of life.....her health, some supportive family around her, an education to build from. Her daughter was well care for and obviously the two of them had a close bond. This young woman was a beautifully well dressed smiling human being who giggled a lot, and only gave me short answers with no depth. She had NO idea what she wanted to do with her life.........or so she said. She also seemed to have no desire to engage in a deeper conversation with me. This had been her pattern with others in the frontlines, and it made her appear lazy, unmotivated, dismissive, haughty. It made her look like she was only keen to stay far away from responsibility or any self directed independence.


Reality had been pointed out to her.......in accusational words many times and it only made her more unresponsive. Confrontation wrapped up in the voice of parental authority was not the ticket,.....it never is, but for the most part it seemed as though this is how her life and our system treated her. Either she was "saved" by an enabler, or she was "scolded" by a system. Her own feet had never found their walking shoes. Her own ability to be an adult, to think and feel like an adult and to demand to be treated as one wasn't recognized nor encouraged.


This is where I steered the raft of our first meeting...........adult to adult conversation, through my own self disclosure of what it has been like to be a Mom, to be undecided. I shared little snippets of me and spoke to her as one woman to another despite the fact that she was young enough to be my daughter. It was important to level that playing field. No one reacts well to a judgemental "parent" barking at you. Surface talk to begin with.....and that's alright because it's on the surface where we must begin building a rapport and the trust to mine the wounds, the fears, the trepidations which are the ropes around her burdens. She doesn't want to be on welfare. No one does. Many can't get out and get off the dole for many serious reasons........ but I know this one can. It's what I shared with her......


As I watched and interacted with her daughter while lobbing questions towards the young woman as a way to level the playing field......as a way to assess the feelings behind the words spoken and the body language....... she doesn't know what she really wants to do........ that's fine, that's fine...... most people really don't know either...... I tried to get under her skin........to see through her eyes..... and as we grappled with the first of hopefully many conversations, I wondered if perhaps she thought that once she made a career decision it was set in stone. The career she chooses would be THE path she would HAVE to take for...the...rest...of....her.....life....

How daunting! Not REALLY knowing if this may be one of the obstacles to making any decisions and remaining stuck, I lob it out.......



"Do you know that most people have 5 or 6 or ever 20 different careers by the time they retire??What usually happens is that once you get started, you realize you have broader interests and different skills than you realize........or sometimes the labour market changes and the job you have been trained to do doesn't exist," I remark. "That's what happened to me. I moved here after graduating in a field where i specialized in working with babies or working in a school system to help kids who are struggling with the work or with just fitting in. I always thought I would be surrounded by kids. But, it never really happened."



I see that I have her attention, though she is still appearing to focus on her daughter. Her body language tells me different.......so I continue..... "I have found another path, and one that keeps changing.........but it is a path where I get to work with adults and sometimes I get a chance to meet 2 year olds and play with them too. I fought it for a long time.....kept trying to find THE job for me in the school system or in early intervention and when I was finally offered one, I turned it down because I realized I LOVE working with adults. I can be more real."
"There are so many things that can affect the decisions we make OR don't make and life just happens to force us to go another route.....even where we end up living. It makes a big difference in our options. Babies sure make you think differently don't they?? I couldn't believe how much my life changed when I had children.......most of the time it's great, but some of the time it feels like such a burden and I don't feel like I have any freedom."


She laughs and agrees, but doesn't share........not too much......but it's all there, just under the surface.


"I think many people feel a big amount of pressure to figure it out with the belief that once the decision is made, there's no turning back. That's why we were given the gift of reflection. We are always assessing and reflecting on our decisions, on our past and wondering about our futures. But, a decision can always be altered, dropped, or even expanded on. Isn't that the right of females to change their mind??" She laughs....



I stop my perambulating thinking out loud approach and she responds..... "I do feel pressured. I have a lot of things going on in my life......."



There it is......the offering....one of the buoys bobbing in the harbour. I don't have a clue what is happening in her life, what she is struggling with. Yet. But, for the first time, a glimmer that perhaps she will trust me enough to spill a little of her internal churnings is seen. Good.


"Why don't we meet again in a week.....maybe in my office where we can have some privacy and you can share some of what your struggling with."


"OK".......she says smiling........


Before I know it, I'm back in my car on my way to another appointment. I don't have a clue how long it will take to help this young woman find her way out of the rabbit hole. It's completely up to her to make the decisions, and to do the hard reflecting work. It will be up to her to take the steps forward. I can't take them for her. I can't carry her. Besides, she's had too much carrying. She needs to learn how to fish in the harbour and provide for herself and her daughter. Can she do it? Will she? It'll take time.......... but I'm guessing she just may figure it out. I want to be there when she catches her first big fish.

One at a time............out of the muck.

the mystery of transformation

“Martin Buber defines a miracle as an event that instills us with a feeling of “abiding astonishment”. The experience of being lost is the shadow side of experiencing something miraculous: both are bewildering, both transformative. Over time, if we are sensitive and perceptive, we will come to view all of life with a sense not of shock but of wonder. With wisdom we will shed our doubts and fears, regardless of the challenges or hardships we must confront. We will welcome the adventure. For it is life itself, with all its ambiguity and mystery, that is the hidden miracle – overlooked, omnipresent, waiting to be discovered and explored.”

a quote from the book Lost Souls, by Niles Goldstein

There are so many events in life which take a great deal of fortitude to reach the point where we can think of them with a sense of wonder. Or maybe I'm being too narrow in my own definition of wonder and astonishment because I tend to associate these feelings with positive experiences filled with smiling joy or surprising revelation. Could astonishment and wonder be applied to the other more serious and sometimes tragic events in our lives? After all, it is life too isn't it?



When we are confronted by a tragic death or a life altering accident our lives are tossed into an abyss, a lost soul solstice where time seems to standstill and meaning is out of reach. Surprised, confused and full of questions starting with "why??" Astonishment is defined as something unexpected which produces an emotional state. We shake our heads and proclaim......

"I don't believe it......."



"Is this really true?"



"I'm so surprised that this happened."



"Why??"



These statements are reiterated whether the event is lottery winning amazing or life altering devastating. Both are bewildering. Both are transformative. One is a feeling of experiencing a miracle. The other is a feeling of experiencing a sense of being lost. Our grounding is altered by both.

A few years ago, I had the pleasure of a meeting a woman whose son was born with severe disabilities. His level of functioning was comparable to an infant. There were no explanations as to why this happened. It just did. Her son, who required 24 hour care, who was completely dependent on his family, especially his mother whose life changed from career person to full time caregiver right at the moment of his birth, had just turned 18.

For all of those years, the Mom rarely left his presence because his needs were unique and complicated. With no extended family in the area and for some reason no real assistance from community social services, it fell on this boy's parents to figure it out. His Dad remained the primary breadwinner. His Mom remained home. His little sister who was able bodied and full of dance steps never knew family life like her friends. As much as her parents tried to accomodate, and attempt to find the attention balance one strives for when siblings are involved, the little sister's needs sometimes had to take a backseat. Always.

When this young man was well enough, he could attend school with a full time caregiver though rarely had there been a week when he was able to attend for 5 days in a row. Hospitalizations were too numerous to count, but a few were made more memorable when this family clung onto the ledge of hope wondering if he was going to survive. As I listened to the stories, the horrors and stress of ongoing medical interventions, of never ending advocating......of sleepless nights when their son was awake for days on end, a habit which continues to this day...... I wondered how a family comes to terms with such a burden.

I've wondered this throughout my career.........

I spent two hours with this woman in her living room listening to her family's story of how the birth and life of her son impacts every component of their story. I was there to complete a social/home assessment so that I could write up their application for disability certification and consequent social assistance for her son who qualified when her turned 18.

Her son at the time was sound asleep, and not stirring at all. He had been awake for days and had just fallen asleep for the first time. This is the norm for this family. It turned out to be good timing on my part because it gave the mom freedom to spill her fatigue, her worries, and to share with me how she and her husband went from astonishment and feeling utterly lost to a sense of gratitude and calm acceptance to how their lives are unfolding.

They have had 18 years to process it all.

And yet, I wondered if by telling me her story she was still trying to convince herself that there was much to be grateful for. I mean, this woman was trapped.....that's how I perceived it. She had no freedom. The very idea of going to the hairdressers or to the YMCA for a workout was a monumental task. She has had to compromise, give up, accomodate, adjust, assimilate throughout every waking and sleeping moment of motherhood.

After she finished sharing and I finished asking questions.....she asked me if I wanted to meet her son, assuring me that he wouldn't wake up if we went into his bedroom. He was sleeping that deeply. So, we went into his darkened room and i went right over to the large crib like bed where he sleep soundly. I leaned in and held his fingers while he was relaxed in his dreams. Then, I turned my focus back to his Mom who was watching me and her son.

What I saw on her face was my answer to how someone overcomes the feeling of burden in a situation like that.

Love. Unconditional love. Untarnished, uncomplicated, unending love.

What I witnessed made my knees buckle at the intensity of the love melting on this woman's face. When she witnessed her son, she witnessed beauty in a way that felt spiritual. Never before or after have I been privy to this wonderful moment.

Now, after reading this quote, I recognize what I witnessed as astonishment transformed from a shadow of lost to welcoming the mystery of the adventure as a miracle. This woman had figured it out.

And I am a little closer to understanding.

Thank you Katie for sending me the quote.

what's the reason?

The other day, I was in a large department store searching. Up and down the aisles I roamed like an anchorless raft not knowing what it was I was really looking for, hoping that if I saw it I would know immediately that it was "IT." Jealous I was of the steel focused shopper with a overflowing cart of goods and a completely crossed off list on their way to the check out line up where hoardes of other shoppers stood like cows to slaughter waiting to pay for their amazing finds!

How can they be so lucky to come into the flourescent store of endless aisles filled to the brim with enticing plastic do-dads, trinkets and dust collectors........with bells and whistles and gold glittery sweaters for the season......with wrappings for hungry eyes.........a mirage of glimmering generosity. Oh, and the joyful sound of the tin throated carol songs over the scratching sound system........just adds to the feeling of Christmas.

Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la....LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!


As soon as I spotted that red sign with the four letter words on it.... "EXIT" .......I headed in that direction, gasping for fresh air, feeling dizzy by the heat, sounds, lights, and utter anxiety emanating from frenzied shoppers waiting to deplete whatever they have left in their reserves. I couldn't stand that kind of shopping atmosphere.....it seemed completely void of anything resembling the meaning of Christmas..........or fun. Where was the fun and excitement of finding just the right gift?? GONE! As fast as the latest must have toy from the shelves.

I realize that we all do the best we can, and cope as best we can, but in all honesty, I can't understand the need to grab a cart and fill it up with things to match a person on the list No thought, no wondering of what the receiver of such gift may like or want.......just grab and go..........grab and go...........spend, spend, spend. Consumer madness is a plague of our generation, and for some reason, my aversion and disdain for it increases every year. It's not new, and unfortunately it can't be stopped with a simple flu shot. I think its here to stay...... I just don't want any part of it. I want the fun! I want the moment when it feels like you've struck gold! I want to shout out EUREKA, as my thoughts quickly head to.........."They are going to LOVE this!"


Now, I have to clarify something. I love nice things. I love decorating and making my home inviting and comfortable. I love aromatic candles and earrings that dangle and glimmer just right to enhance a new Christmas dress. I think I'm actually an easy person to buy something for because I love nice stuff. I have even been known to buy something absolutely frivolous simply because. How's that for a confession?

So, I'm not writing this from a trinket, doo-dad free zone. Heck, I've got a PeeWee Herman marionette doll sitting and smiling interesting thoughts in my kitchen. You have to be a doo-dad kind of person to welcome PeeWee Herman into your kitchen. (I have a movie poster too framed and hung above the stairs heading down to the basement ). But, you know what? When I look around at the loot that has accumulated around here.....the vases and shining goblets, the pottery, pictures, and baskets..........the books, books and more books.............I can honestly say that I know the who, what, and when to all of them, because they were purchased with some thought thrown into the mix. The marionette was THE BEST present I ever gave to my husband (apart from the two children I gave birth to). The poster of PeeWee on his bike? Apart from it being vintage now.......... was my favourite present on my 25th birthday.

I try to do the same.............what would I like to buy someone on my list? What would they just love? What can I make that they would enjoy having? And, man it's difficult for some.........to find the right gift......THE one. The pressure can be formidable especially in the last days of rushed madness. I have seen the deer caught in the headlight look of consumers. I have played the role of salesperson during the holiday season before. Christmas Eve was a remarkable eye-opener the year I worked in a gift shop. Bigger is better......that's the motto of the husband and boyfriend shoppers who swarmed the store. They didn't care one iota what the big gaudy life size jewelry box looked like......they couldn't give a hoot that it played Lara's theme ad nauseum on a little organ grinder mechanism inside the base. They just wanted something SO frigging big that it WOULDN'T fit under the tree!!

"Can you wrap this for me? I hate wrapping.....Put that big bow on it too......"

How utterly thoughtful.......... and hilarious at the same time. It made me wonder if the big trinket box was a substitute for..................... hmmmmmmmmmmm................. or if they thought something shiny would lead to something rewarding? It was all too weird to be the enabling salesperson in this scenario.

It is so easy to get swept up in the "must buy" regime........the Walmart wandering.......the Sears shuffling.......the Toys-R-Us tango. The pressure is palatably paranoid-like. The zombie like looks of consumers at this time of the shopping countdown reveals it's true colours. I guess the key is to be cognizant of this plague and to be aware of how it makes you feel. Then, its up to you to figure out how to deal with it. I opt for heading towards the EXIT sign.

Somewhere along the way, the true gift of the season needs to be tucked under that tree don't you think? You know, the one wrapped in it's own essence and fragrance of a miracle? It's the gift which helps us find our anchor and without it, what is the point of celebrating the birth of Jesus if He isn't even invited to the party?