trust in life............. trust in the spirits all around.........

The repose of night is being held ransom by the rippling of memories.  Let this beautiful Monday sunrise caress and bless this day.  Let this be the day where I regain balance.......... where I trust life again.

You can't trust LIFE if you don't trust YOURSELF. 

Peace.  Clear headed calm.  This is where i long to be this morning.  I am finding glimpses of it inside the unsettled stew. But,  I can't seem to lasso it to last longer.  Good energy quickly melts into a mass of apathy.  My feelings look like a pail of slushy swamp water.   I don't trust them enough to take these cross dressing emotions out in public for very long.  Spontaneous tears are not a welcome sight.  It makes everyone uncomfortable.  There is little patience for them.   I've been wallowing in the swamp water for a few days as I wait to hear back from the surgeon, as I wait to hear what will be the next part of this detour in my life.  

What always gets between me and that sense of inner calm, besides whacky hormones,  are my imagination and my expectations.  Even if I am cognizant of creating them as a way of preparing myself for an event, I get ahead of myself, or I plan for a scenario that could easily happen, but doesn't.  Whether they are positive or negative event-outcomes accumulating in this brain of mine that never ceases to stir up unrelenting frights, follies, and fantasies, my creative horizon of expectations almost always turns up the volume on my emotional dial.  They foist me out into the hinterland  .... into a territory completely unknown, especially if the situation/event I find myself in has the potential to be out of my control. I am letting the dark side of my imagination devour me.  

Visioning from the soul.........

I wonder........

What if.........

hmmmm..........

What would happen if.........

You'd think I would have learned this lesson by now.   Expect the unexpected ....... or just let life unfold as it is going to anyways. ....... Expectations can be unrelenting teasers that prostitute our emotions.

The blending of my imagination with the action of my expectations is the force I reconcile with daily.   And if I don't?  If I leave them to duke it out, then I am left feeling unbalanced.  Off kilter.  In limbo.  Dazed.  Even my taste buds are all wrong.  This is the conflict I am struggling with now.  As much as I know and WANT to be focused on the present moment rather than get all tangled up in the mystery of what may follow.... as much as I crave to be settled inside a pillow of mind full peace, my imagination whips up expectations into a frothy concoction of anxiety.   I'm not very good at waiting.  It depresses me. 

On the other hand.............. I love how broad minded my imagination works!  That is a true blessing!  A gift!  It could give me a break every now and then, but for the most part, it has been a crazy companion all my life.  My imagination can conjure up just about anything and DOES!   It is the fuel for my muse, the trigger for any project idea, theme party, trip planning, spontaneous dream I've ever had.  Lately though, the dreams I've woken up remembering teeter on the brink of real and are peppered with people from my past.  They are creeping me out! 

Oh, the stories my imagination could tell! The secrets it holds!  Some of them are pretty darn erotic!  It  entertains me in boring meetings, stimulates my senses when I need a boost and motivates my whole being by providing a new lens, a new way of seeing something.  It gets me outside of that BOX to think beyond what I can see, feel and hear.  It is the decorated portal I travel down when I'm writing.   It takes me down unending waterslides that twist and turn and never let me know when I'm going to splashdown into the pool of water.  Funny thing, I rarely know what the temperature that water will be.

Perhaps this is where I should focus.  Instead of storing up the ideas, I need to unleash some of them.  Rather than wait to "know" whether the surgeon got all the cancer or when I am to start radiation, or any of the hundreds of scenarios percolating in my brain, maybe I just have to make some plans. 

Make plans.  Organize a party.  Decorate, demonstrate, day trippin',  do my thing........... and if I can't do it because of an appointment conflict..... does it really matter?  

Expect that all won't go as planned.  Expect that some of it will.  Expect some surprises.  Good.  Bad.  Unpredictable.  If I'm ever going to feel that balance.......... that sense of being in charge rather than my life DETOUR being in charge?  I've gotta take the helm and put my imagination to better use.  The best medicine to combat the "headgame...."

Trust in life unfolding.  Trust in the spirits all around. Know you are never alone.  Even when there is no repose in the middle of the night...........