Late night ramblings almost always leads to thoughts that have been turned off for a while. Random memories surface, triggered by a recognizable feeling or a glimpse of something you see in the darkness of the sky. I just looked out the window .......... down river. It had been a snowy day, the first of what may be a long season of hibernation, of contemplation, of healing through meditation and treatment. Evening's winds brought more swirling tiny flakes, the ones that accumulate more rapidly than the fatter ones for some reason. Now, all is calm. A blanket of pristine white stuff covers the streets, blending them into the rest of the landscape.
The clouds are breaking. There are no stars visible. Yet. Only a few streetlights glow yellow on the other side of the right. What caught my eye was an unusual light on the horizon. Nothing glamourous. Just a swath of dull light coming through the runaway clouds. It's reassuring message tells me this latest storm is over. For some reason, the view snatches a heartfelt memory I hadn't revisited in long time.
I love when that happens! It seems so out of the blue.......... You're looking at one thing and all of a sudden, your thoughts are transported to another time and place. You hear a piece of music and in one grace note, you find yourself flooded with stories and faces from your past. Our senses are such a beautiful guide to tapping into our foundational archives. Sometimes they produce smiles. Sometimes tears. Sometimes searing soul pain. Sometimes comfort. One or all.......... we feel them when allow the sensory connections to be made between a present moment and a past moment.
Tonight, as I looked out the window and saw the dull light above the river horizon........ clouds breaking off, floating individually at such a low level, I automatically found myself transported to the time when my son had just been born. Over 14 years ago. For the first three weeks of Max's life, he was nocturnal. His little time clock was upside down. Consequently so was his Momma's. I think if he had been my first baby, it would've made me feel inadequate and stressed.... second guessing my ability and all that. Instead, I was in a different headspace......... and embraced the time we had together during the middle of the night when few lights twinkled in the dark, when the fall storms moved through leaving peace. We were awake together. We slept at the same time. Day was night. Night was day. Our own mixed up routine.
The majority of time at 3 am, he was in my arms as I comfortably sat in the cushioned corner of the couch. I'd rock him and talk quietly. I kissed his forehead often, transferring my love to him through touch. Sometimes, I'd have him tucked in the crook of my right arm while reading a book held by my left hand. Sometimes, I'd lay him down on a fluffy blanket on the couch to let him stretch his limbs, to let him look around at his surroundings. If he did fall asleep it was always against my chest.... his little trusting body cuddled up with a complete sense of security.
Our time together during our nocturnal adjustments left an indelible bond that gestated then and continued to grow in the months following when late nights meant nursing and then a return to his bassinet. I loved having him in my arms. As I did with Martha. Day or night.
It also left me with a peaceful feeling when my time clock turns upside down..... when my regular routine is cast aside for one reason or another...... and I'm free to go with the flow of sleeping and doing other activities at the wrong time of day. Its certainly not stress free when I MUST get up in the morning to head to work. But, as I journey down this little life detour, I feel blessed to have the opportunity to step out of the regular day and listen to the drumming of my own pace.......... my own day and night.
Now, my two babies have grown up. Well, Max has a few more inches to go. Still they need reassurance. Different circumstances. Different individual needs and life journeys. Reactions to what their Momma is going through are real. They need reassurance and I give it. As much as I know, they know. They have had to endure a lot of adult issues over the past 2 years and there was no way of protecting them from the harsh realities. As much as I would have loved to do just that!
Routines like having dinner together at the table, like morning breakfast served in front of the sports updates on the TV, like sharing stories, personal news, thoughts and ideas ..... like putting a fire on the fireplace that acts as a conduit to settling in for an evening of low key-ness, when listening is golden ..... like me tiptoeing into their rooms as they sleep just to check on them...... like encouraging them to try something they have expressed an interest in.... like quizzing them just before a test, or providing feedback all support reassurance. Bonding. Belonging. Feeling loved.
All is blessedly quiet tonight. I'm the only one living the nocturnal life under this roof. But I feel far from alone. The bond I feel between my two children and I is one of multi-layered goodness. Full of warm memories....... full of present day love ........... full of gratitude. I am a very very lucky Mom.
Later today, that little baby I held in my arms and rocked and kissed? He's writing an scholarship exam that is only offered to one person in the whole province. It would allow him to be able to attend a boarding school he would really like to be a part of. This is part of his journey. He needs and wants to write it.... just to see. I am happy he has the confidence and the BIG dreams to lead him. It is also a chance for him to learn about how the universe sometimes can look after us............ you just have to put it out there! I'm very proud of his drive and focus.
Late night thoughts.............. random memories.......... comfort in the love that remains.......