Creeping vines and weeping willows.
Even if I'm not on vacation, I find summer has an elastic sense of time and structure. Routine takes a skinny dip. Glorious starry nights free up my thinking beyond known borders. Shared car trips become the touchpoints of growth in my relationships. Celebrations, concerts, bonfires, BarBQ's, reunions, campouts, late night laid back dinners on the back deck with a friend, risking my heart in the dating game, tempered by moments of quiet contemplation, or plain old loneliness and complicated misunderstandings as the signposts of life lived.
What happened to canoeing?? I never got out in a canoe this summer!!! Where did the time go??
Summer has a pulse of its own that stretches afternoons into the lingering lament of twilight beauty. Darn it! I didn't capture much of it in writing. So, now I am left standing here at the counter in my kitchen pounding on my trusty little laptop keys overwhelmed by the numerous vestiges that define my summertime with such colourful and visual acuity. It feels like I've walked a thousand and one miles. On the other hand, it feels like I havent moved an inch! How can that be? Internal growing pains take time to settle. That's what winter is for! A time to ruminate on the green fields of summertime blossoming.
Of course, I've journied on....... my life is more full by the connections and the new roads I have travelled. Some with others. Some on my own....one sandaled foot after another. Healing continues as I gather new courage, clearer insights, confidance. As I take time to melt into it. From Grand Manan New Brunswick to the Gaspe pennisula in Quebec where I fell in love with the raw beauty of our Canadian landscape, to Times Square NYC!! Stops in Spencer's Island Nova Scotia where my heart still longs to belong to a wondrous weekend retreat just outside of St. Andrews where the fireflies flickered the ultimate freedom dance that left me with new insights. To my own backyard sipping wine and sharing secrets with a friend. Big shifts!!! Wow.
One astounding night happened at the end of July. While happily standing in a crowd of people, I opened my pores to receive a multisensory assault to the body and soul. U2 came to town. I hope Bono didn't mind me belting out "I Still Havent Found What I'm Looking For......." as tears flowed and caught in the throat of my vulnerable spirit. My son and friends all around me..... all ages. All ages...... spiritually enhanced. Together. I only wish that my daughter could've been there with us. But, she was immersed in her own journey at camp learning big lessons....... stretching her talents into new awareness.
Hurts too. Sad eye days. This summer has introduced new and re-introduced older painful thorns along with the blossoming roses. Changes in people I love. Sad changes in relationships. Aging. Relating. Mismatches of thinking. Poor communication. Misfires. Bad timing. New realities that are so hard to swallow. To accept. Someone whom I admire deeply said that much of life is griefwork because changes mean we must look at letting go of the losses before we can move forward. It is so tiring sometimes. Confusing too. Tears may bring strength, but before that happens, the fatigue is bone weary awful.
So, now it's Friday. The end of the first week back to school. Routine is mocking us! The buzz word around here? Overwhelming. My son began high school. My daughter is now at College. Big transitions in seasons and in milestones. Aside from my number one role as Mom, my work week was spent orchestrating Orientation activities for 200 students and counselling on the fly............ at home, at work, at play.
I never got away from it and I'm completely spent. I feel such a tremendous need for someone significant to be kind and loving to me. Unfortunately that isn't the case right now. As much as this was an amazing week of connections and deeply shared confessions and feelings that has left me feeling abundantly satisfied, I am struggling with loneliness and heartache. It sucks. Will I always be on my own? God knows. He ain't sharing that with me!
The best we can hope for in this crazy life is to be kind to one another...... to take the time to at least try to understand where another is coming from in their journey..... to invite these pilgrims in to your home and heart, and to hope that there will always be another to share our life altering little moments that make up our summers of wonder and growth. May we all find that passionate love someday soon. And if you're someone who is sharing your bed with your soulmate, may you recognize just how blessed you are.
Here's to turning the next seasonal corner.......... AND getting a good night's sleep!!! At least I won't have someone snoring or elbowing me in the ribs.