lovely Lisa, Boyce Market, sept, 2011
I think this has been one of the most emotionally draining couple of days I've experienced in a long time. Is there such a thing as an emotional perfect storm? Yes, and I truly thought I was losing any semblance of internal order. Waves crashed over the riptides in my soul and I simply couldn't get a grip on the steering. Many hours were spent in horizontal meditation, aka my girl cave, as I tried to process the multi-sensory onslaught of encounters, events, activities, confessions, tragedies, and realities. I think I scared the shit out of my friends and my kids. I know I scared the shit out of me!
One of the more difficult lessons I keep plugging away at in an attempt to LEARN should be entitled "Balance and Limitations." I used to be good at that, but finding these two teasers as a single Mom working full-time with a personal life that is full, "balance and limitations" ALONG with "bounding boundaries" keep slipping out of my hands...... leaving me bobbing in the rolling waves!!!
I get these burst of energy, especially at this time of the year, and take on too much. It used to be that I could juggle several projects/tasks etc at the same time, but I had the back up and support from a life partner to keep the home fires burning so to speak. Now, I'm on my own to do both and let me tell you, my house wouldn't win any awards right now! Hurricane Hazel seems to have blasted through the hallways and rooms! Always stuff to do on that to do list....... and I lose energy by the end of a busy day/week to even attempt to get some order.
Don't you find sometimes that internal order is help tremendously when the home surroundings are in order? Routine can be a re-fueler. A grounding. A place to start. Im a stumbling bumbler when it comes to maintaining a routine these days........ it'll happen. Seasonal transitions shake it up a bit!
Aside from the necessary mundane tasks that have to be accomplished, as well as the nagging other "fixes" that must be attended to (can someone please fix my shower faucet? the duct tape is looking pretty redneck) there are many homefront responsibilities that take a back seat when all the energy I have burst through during my day job. this is what happened on the weekend. Add the emotional highs and lows of counselling anyways, and the very real needs of my little brood at they adjust to big changes in their lives..... add the anxiety of paying bills etc, AND my emotional response to the anniversary of 9-11? Well, a perfect storm hit my innards.
Ok, hormones too! Yeah, 50+ years old. Hormones play a role! I admit it.
I went quietly into the horizontal meditative position and let a day linger on by while I re-fueled on soft chanting music, and the breeze of the fan in my room. I let the emotions visit, linger and then move on. I remained as quiet as I could be in a self made cocoon. In my head, as it cleared, this prayer was formed. I had the honour to deliver it on Sunday......... the day of my birth. And the 10 anniversary of September 11, 2001. By the time I found myself comfortably standing at the pulpit of the church looking at the congregation which included my children and a few very special friends in my life, my stance was solid. My focus was clear. My heart was open.......... My pace was found.
Prayer, pauses and gratitude....... Here is the prayer I offered...........
sunrise from my back deck, Sept 8, 2011
Good morning God.
Thank you for this blessed beautiful morning in the Saint John River valley. Thank you for surrounding us with those seasonal signs of change that help us to recognize our own transformations and to realize we are never alone in this journey.
As we gather here before You with the renewed breath of Your Spirit, we give our heartfelt thanks for the bountiful gifts You provide with abundance every single day. Allow us to hear the encouraging words from a friend. Help us inhale the lingering aroma of summer breezes. Let us remember the people who have been touched so deeply by the events on September 11, 2001. Guide us to connect our hearts to their hearts and to our loved ones who live far away. God, help us look deeply into the eyes of another with the understanding we are all one at heart.
We are all loved.
In our stillness, God, help us to remember how to take those steps towards accepting the changes in our lives knowing that sometimes you have to grieve a thousand times before you can inhale the refreshed scent of an old breeze. Help us to walk into the centre of our vulnerable holy space over and over again to touch upon the wound that weeps those trapped remembering tears so that the old stories of a loved one that were once too painful to recall can be told again with a merciful heart and a smile.
Please help us remember that overwhelming feelings today will soften in the light of days to come.
As pilgrims dear God, guide us to share a story with another, to have that conversation that feels too difficult to start, to use the gift of our senses so that we can appreciate the freshness of this harvest season, to delight in the knowledge that we are unfinished human beings, beautiful works in progress, who know how to give and receive love and kindness with an open heart.
May we leave here today with a lighter fullness in our walk, refreshed breath of the Holy Spirit and the energy to pass our kindness onto to others. Thank you for Your presence in all that we do, say, think and feel.