Thank you for your interest in applying for the position of Director of the Mint located in our fine fair Capital. We were astonished by the overwhelming number of applications, recommendations and underlying coercive demands that we have received over the past week specifically about filling this kushy job.
Unfortunately, you didn't make the short list. Despite your strong financial background and nifty promotional ideas, (which we intend to use if we don't have to declare porkbarrel bankruptcy) you don't have enough "white matter" in your Prefrontal Cortex to be able to lie, manipulate, and spend the tax payers money liberally enough to be able to maintain the level of consistency that is the norm in Ottawa. You're too darn honest, not red enough, and not connected to the Quebec wing of the Liberal party.
If you ever intend to apply for another patronage position, please do not send your application through regular channels. It is best to pay off, sleep with and/or stroke a Liberal Cabinet Minister, financial Bagman, or an advertising executive in order to get anywhere in the competition. Please try to be discreet about it. Normally, you can find one of them sneaking a smoke out back of one of the 5 star restaurants (purchase Canada's restaurant guide) across our country. They aren't too hard to find if you know where to look.
Enclosed is a sample of our updated version of the Remembrance Day quarter (not a loonie). Instead of the traditional red poppie, we have gone with glow in the dark poppie montage that if you rub softly will play the tune, "Farewell to Nova Scotia." It's our little tribute to our past (and heartily missed) Director who has recently accepted a post as Ambassador to Switzerland. We wish him well.
The Patronage Coordinator.