Dear Patronage Coordinator:
I hear you're looking for a new Director of the Mint, and I gotta tell you, I'm the person for the job. Please find enclosed my exemplary CV for your consideration.
Presently, I'm working on the frontlines of the local Welfare office. We dish out measly amounts of loonies to desparate individuals once a month and teach them how to budget. So, I have some financial experience, and can recognize all the coins produced at the Mint. I especially like the loonies you distributed last year with the disappearing poppie on it. How cool was that? As a back up if I need it, I also have a friend who has a degree in Economics who would be on call to meet me for filet mignon and expensive bottles of french wine in one of your 5 star restaurants in this fair country's capital. We both love beef and vino.
The government department I work for doesn't have a budget for professional development. Consequently, I have a wish list of courses and various worldly destinations that I would like to pursue. Since every country has some form of currency, I would be open to go anywhere to learn. Fiji, New Zealand and Tasmania and Istanbul, however, are top on my list. They have cool looking bills. Plus, I'd like to return to Istanbul to shop at the Bazaar. I'm great at negotiating deals on purses and tacky earrings, which I need more of, and could hone my skills there as I shop. I believe that these skills are quite transferable and applicable in the position you are trying to fill.
I have a slew of super ideas to help make more money for our money making establishment. For example......Creating a 5 dollar coin and we could call it the "mullooney5" after our best prime minister ever, keeping our Mint operating 24/7 to make more money for everyone, laminating all bills so that they last forever, making looney cakes for birthdays filled with coins for promotional distribution through our Tim Horton's outlets.......I've got lots. People say I'm an idea's person, so I can share more with you when we meet to discuss my salary.
I realize that the previous dingdong dorkhead who held the position is stumbling aimlessly on the links of Bell Bay in Cape Breton trying to sort out his expense account issues. What I can promise you is that I won't ever spend more than he did. I'll do my best if you want me to, but if I can't live up to your expectations, I promise I will quit so that you can provide me with 1/2 a million pin money to keep my mouth shut.
One thing I have to admit is that I wouldnt be caught dead with a Liberal membership card on my person. However, at age 10, I was in the crowd and saw Trudeau live in Hamilton once oh and I watched part of his funeral (caught the Justin eulogy), and I did meet that side talking "little guy" in a pub at Wilfrid Laurier years ago. Hopefully that counts.
In the meantime, I will be sloshing money into my upstanding lobbyist business that I do on the side waiting with baited anticipation for my offer.