Sunday, May 08, 2011

petals.... he loves me, he loves me not...



I don't know whether its writer's block I'm struggling with, or just a head full of unfinished thoughts.  It seems as though I begin a piece, all wired up, focused on a topic, an opinion but before I know it, my concentration bends to the left, and my inspiration evaporates.  Partly its because I'm overwhelmed with the daily tasks as well as the bigger ones that need tending around here, but even they aren't getting fully completed.  I'm wandering.   Lally-gagging.  Ambling.  Free floating with no consistent anchor. 

I don't know what it all means........... why I'm so unmotivated to stay on task and I sure hope this lull in creative pursuits lifts soon.  I find it very disconcerting that I can't simply push through the foggy bends to a place where the energy meets up with the desire to write with the drive I once had in spades.  Usually winter and spring is a prolific time for me.  Not this year.  Lingering thoughts drift and weave, duck and bob constantly.  Then, of course there is the feeling of frustration when I havent been able to capture their essences in the heat of the fresh moment. They get all garbled up together and I'm tentative about where to begin.....  

How about here............ it's a good place as any to start............. again............

I have been thinking about love a lot.  Middle Age love.  Its very different as it has its own unique set of challenges.  I've come to the conclusion that love at this point in life is learning how to accept your own weirdness..... your own quirks and way of being, which in itself is a tremendously difficult thing to do especially if you've experienced rejection.  Here you are carrying a crap load of life trinkets stuffed in a duffle bag labelled "baggage,"  meeting others who have their own duffel bags crammed with their lively and lovely remnants of personal paraphenalia.   All the while, you are trying to sort out your own.....tossing, reflecting, sharing, discovering (cause not all of it is recognizable.... it just snuck into the bag along the way without you looking).  Then along comes a prospective amour on a similar journey but a different kettle of fish to contend with.   It can be a bit daunting.   Like traipsing through a minefield of hotshots of unresolved emotions.   

No two pieces of baggage look the same.  Sure, they may have similar contents, but there's enough variety that its almost impossible to find an apparent match.  It's all very weird.  

It IS all very weird but absolutely fascinating.  Like a personal sociological excavation! A far cry from the wide eye innocent in search of the one and only to fulfill everything imaginable....... the two becoming one idea that is so prevalent during the early dating years in one's life.  No, that very thought had the stuffing knocked out of it! This new territory of dirty dancing between two people who have wobbly and jiggly bits, a few more wrinkles they care to admit to, crows feet and skin blotches, moles that seem to have erupted during a random night attack on the body...........???  Well, lets say its a more humbling adventure.  It also has way more opportunities for stumbling upon hilarity, and laugh out loud absurdist moments that can leave you with a couple of great stories, and foot injuries.  THEY are from making the attempts at dancing with the partner only to find out that you are both inclined to lead! 

The heartbreak is the same.  The feelings which are more seasoned than they were during youth consequently drill down deeper into the soul of a Middle Aged seeker.  The intensity of a love connection is rapid and full of quick assessments, and sometimes wonky decisions.  More often than not based on timing, and the amount of time one wants to put stock into the relationship, it may be fleeting.  If there is any doubt........ the waves roll into what may be a perfectly wonderful pairing and wash out the dreaminess of love.  One tide roll in and out and time to move on.  I think it has to do with realizing that at this point in life, who wants to waste time lingering in something that may have too many flaws.....  or that the personal baggage simply doesn't match well enough.  God knows one is never going to find a matching pair of luggage at this point, but there has to be some complimentary shades and flaws or it wont work. 

It's a dauntingly frightening place to be.......... dating at this age.  But, bloody fun too!  There is nothing more life enhancing than to feel the heat of a mutual attraction all over again, which sensitively affirms your own beauty and the positives of your personality.  Sometimes those really important components of who you are get lost in the sludge of the end of a marriage or a long standing relationship.  To know you are the light in someone else's eye twinkle and to feel theirs in your own eye twinkle makes the heaviness of life's challenges lift!

The key is to be in the game.  To get in the game.  There is no sense in wallowing for too long, or just dipping your toe into the whole world of kindled love.   It's way more fun to regenerate that sense of play in you.  That's how I see it.  Plus, as a writer, who may not have writer's block in the real sense......... maybe I just need to pursue some wandering, lingering and lally-gagging a bit, the stories of returning to the dating world are for the most part weirder than fiction would ever be...... What an eye opening mostly hilarious adventure!

What I've learned......... 
A kiss is still a kiss and still toe tingling amazing
A sigh from the lips of another is enchanting.
A sigh from the lips of me is newfound joy. 
Love still hurts.
Love still makes the heart thump
Love makes you do the craziest things, say the most ridiculous things, think the most wackiest self doubting thoughts.....
Love tenderizes an already tender footed being.

It has been a year of accumulating more stories.......... perhaps some of them will be the ones that will eventually seep out of my heart to be shared with readers.  You just never know....... 


2 comments:

Twain12 said...

sounds like it will be quite the journey...enjoy the ride

Brother David said...

I love the term Lally-gagging, it has so much speed considering the context.

David :)