matters of the heart

"Dance like nobody's watching; 

Love like you've never been hurt. 

Sing like nobody's listening; 

Live like it's heaven on earth."  

Mark Twain

Boy, you see that quote plastered all over the place.....

I've got no problem doin' a foolish jig. Dance, dance wherever you may be!    Singing?  Sure!  If a tune hits me, I'm there belting it out off key without hesitation much to the embarrassment of my lovely offspring.  "Living like its heaven on earth?" Well, I don't know exactly what that means, but I kind of envision it as having to do with enlightened timelessness. Or maybe Twain meant that we should don angel wings, and look after one another.  Whatever he truly meant by the line, its safe to say its all about goodness.   But, holy heartbreak Batman! "Love like you've never been hurt?"  Well, that one is a doozy!   Love hurts! 

Sometime over the past couple of months, I asked my therapist if I will ever learn to trust a love interest again.  "Will it return?"  I asked.......   She assured me that my ability to trust will return, but will look and feel different than it used to.  Trust will evolve as I regain my confidence in my intuitiveness.  Given that intuition is an ingredient used every single day in my line of work - it is the grease that lubricates the counselling tools, for the most part I have regained it. I think.  Well, maybe not in the love department.  I've got a long way to go there.  But in the work department, I feel like I've got a handle on trusting my instincts.  Sort of.  :)

Hmmmmmm.......... I do have a tendancy of sliding into the realm of uncertainty and second guessing how I'm assessing a situation.  I seem to jump quickly out of certainty and into the fire of doubt. But maybe that's a better way of being.  It ain't efficient and it causes stomach pangs, but it forces me to look at situations from more angles than I once used to. 

I guess you could say, I've lost the innocent naivete of my trusting-ness and am in the process of discovering a more reflective process of contemplation.  Something happens between myself and another that puts me in a place where I am distrust-full ....... a boomerang trigger effect happens which forces me to face the deeper questions as to why I am feeling uneasy.  In an attempt to stop the hurt feelings, a protective shield goes up along with a rush of blood pulsing feeling (kind of like a body blush) and badaboom, I'm alert, awake and wondering........... should I trust this person? 

Here's the thing........ the OTHER person is asking themselves the same questions!  This is the impacting of learning to love another at this point in our lives........ Two people grappling with trust, love, and their own tender wounds from being "de-loved" by another.   It's a dance with new steps!  Theirs.  Yours.  Ours.  Separate.  Together.  

Love does hurt.  But, if one can open up to trust again, even if it is an animal of a different colour, LOVE can also feel so amazingly life affirming.  Even more intensively than it once did!  

So, here's my theory.  Crack open those heart feelings. You can't take them with you when you leave this planet so you might as well use them ALL up!!!! Let them go deeper into the soul.  Let them seep out beyond the borders of what we once accepted as our palette of feelings we allowed ourselves to feel.  Let go of the old trusting ways.  They didn't work well enough. 

NOW walk towards a different shade of trust that may not be recognizable yet. Open your eyes, your mind, your heart, your arms............ be aware it may hurt.  BUT, be aware it may Love you right back. Or it may not.  It's all about living in that place where certainty is always uncertain!  There are no certainties in LOVE! 

You can always take a step back.  You can always protect yourself if your gut tells you to stop.  We have that ability.  God's gift to us is knowing there is spiritual support all around us.  Supported with LOVE.  Not protection!  In order to live out loud......to live like this is heaven on earth?  Our faith encourages us to find our dancing feet, our singing voices, and our loving hearts.  His love offers us the confidence to BE someone who feels love all around!

It may hurt.  It may heal.  But it will always enhance the feeling of being wide open alive! 

To quote Michael Franti.............."It seems like everywhere I go, the more I see the less I know.  But one thing I know, I love you.
I love you, I love you, I love you...........  

ps.  My second attempt to capture a few thoughts on a topic that seems to be seeping into my life and  the lives of my loving friends all around me who are making tentative steps into a new world of relationships....... 

Light filtering into a small Welsh church,

Cardigan NB.  May 2011