On Empathy and Compassion

"When one is in an intense state of hatred, even a very close friend appears somehow “frosty,” cold and distant, or quite annoying. If one harbors hateful thoughts, it ruins one’s health. Even if one has wonderful possessions, in the moment of anger one feels like throwing them or breaking them. So there is no guarantee that wealth alone can give one the joy or fulfillment that one seeks.

Only a spontaneous feeling of empathy with others can really inspire us to act on their behalf. Nevertheless, compassion does not arise mechanically. Such a sincere feeling must grow gradually, cultivated within each individual, based on their own conviction of its worth. Adopting a kind attitude thus becomes a personal matter. How each of us behaves in daily life is, after all, the real test of compassion."

The Dalai Lama

Since the morning a couple of weeks ago when I spent it with a group of 10 year old boys listening to them and trying to help them express their sorrow and disbelief of losing a friend, I have thought a lot about empathy. Interwoven in their intimate conversation was a determination to design personal cards for their friend's family and to find some kind words that would help this family cope with their loss. Their thoughts tumbled out......... snippets and remembrances of what a friendly guy Ryan was and what an "awesome" hockey player he was..... and deep thoughts about what Ryan's family was going through and what could they do or say that would help. One little guy suggested that he offer his hockey card picture of Ryan to them. Another wrote a poem that listed Ryan's many wonderful traits. They all agreed that they would let his parents know that they would never forget their friend. They would not let their memories of him disappear.

It was powerful and emotional. In my role as counsellor, I was able to distance myself enough to be able to gently lead the conversation without getting pulled into the sorrow. What almost did me in however, was the level of empathy these boys exhibited. It left me feeling honoured to have witnessed their honest compassion. These boys are gifts, blessed with the ability to walk a mile in someone else's shoes and the self-comfort to be able to express their feelings. Pure innocent compassion.

Since then, I have been more cognizant of empathic encounters and discussions. I've looked for it in my colleagues and it is there displayed daily in the tone of their voices when they are telling me about an encounter with a client in crisis, and in the actions they display when going beyond the requisites of their "job." I see it shown in their interest in the lives of eachother........keen to know how someone is coping, or how an important event went. Empathy that leads to connectivity is all around us, if we are open to seeing and feeling it.

Can you be too empathic? What happens if you feel too much empathy; when the intensity of the emotions envelope the two people? Taken to the extreme, we lose our boundaries as emotionally separate individuals. And when that happens, nobody wins. We are responsible for owning our feelings. If we're too deeply involved in another person's emotional state, we lose perspective of the situation and awareness of our own feelings. If we take on someone else's response to a situation, we lose our own personal response in the process. It's so important to maintain a sense of self when trying to help someone. If the balance is lost, so is the capability of giving help and support.

Like anything, there's always a happy medium......... a way to maintain respect for the feelings of others without making them your own. In the book, The Art of Happiness, the Dalai Lama discusses his belief that empathy is the cornerstone of connecting with others. It is empathy that can "level the playing field" because it sends the message to the other person not only that they are understood, but they are validated. Commonality, without losing your own viewpoint, allows one to also look at a situation from another person's perspective. By so doing, it helps you develop an awareness and respect for another persons feelings, with in turn will lead to reducing conflicts and problems with other people.

We are not born with the ability to be empathic. Children are taught this skill through modelling and social interactions with the trusting people in their lives. If the wee ones are shown compassion and empathy when they needed to be loved and understood they in turn will eventually learn to reach outward to others. If they miss out on this type of nurturance, they will grow up void of an open heart and the perceptional motivation to want to feel for someone else. The little boys whom I had the opportunity to spend some time with? They have learned this lesson because they have been shown it over and over again in their lives.

Kindness begets kindness..........it propels the circle of compassion.

"If you want others to be happy, practice compassion.

If you want to be happy, practice compassion."

The Dalai Lama