Friday, October 28, 2011

forming, storming, norming.......reforming.

Indirectly due to my cold, the surgery that was supposed to take place on Wednesday was postponed until November 9th. At first I was stunned by the turn of events.  I only heard after I had been registered for day surgery, had blood taken, had an EEG and was sitting waiting for the next step when I was told that they had taken me off the schedule.  That was it.  Despite all of my efforts to kick the damn cold, it was all for naught.  I was so ready.  Once the medication I had taken to calm my nerves wore off, the emotional and adrenaline let down left me shattered.  

Exhausted.   Angry. Dis-integrated.  I went from deep sleep to quick step pacing to feeling like the girl who cried WOLF! I feel like I created this amazing orchestral force of Oneness that produced shooting stars of hope only to be caught raising a ruckus with Conductor's baton that lost its magic.

A friend of mine told me I would turn this into an opera.  I had no conscious intentions of doing that, but well..... he knows me better.  I just need to find the Soprano.  Gee, I wonder if Marg Delahanty is available now that her gig with Toronto Mayor Rod Ford fell flat? 

Its Friday morning now.  Perspective once again prevails over emotional reactivity. I can sit still again.  I can think straight.  Its amazing the power of the flood of emotions.....mine could've lit up a small town!  Too bad the damn burst and I couldn't find a more productive way to rein it in.  But, I can't be too hard on myself.  It took most of my resilience, strength, optimism, and direction to plan, prep and carry on without the freakish reality slamming me in the gut both at home and at work, ...... to get things cleared up at work, to get this house in order, to get myself in the right head space and to get this family ready for their Momma to be out of commision for a while.  So many details and to do lists.....  I was as prepared as I could muster.

Now I have to do it all over again.  Now, I can say I can do it all over again.   Shit happens. Shift happens.  Chalk it up to another life experience to teach me how to surrender my desire to control things over to the cosmos.  The universe will look after me.  I may not know the real reason behind the delay, but in the grand scheme of things, perspective has allowed me to see it as a blip rather than a dramatic Aria.  The universe will look after us, if we allow it to take the lead..... if, as Father John O'Donohue suggested, we choose the lens to see through life that helps us make our gaze beautiful........ Here is a little blessing from his book chalk full of them:

"I give thanks for arriving safely in a new dawn,
For the gift of eyes to see the world,
The gift of mind to feel at home
In my life, the waves of possibility
Breaking on the shore of dawn,
The harvest of the past
That awaits my hunger,
And all the furtherings
This new day will bring."

Since I posted the news on my blog last Sunday night, I have been showered by the most unbelievable support from all around the world.  I asked for help to "love bomb" the cancer rather consider it a battle and a beautiful barrage of warm, warm love along with offers to help me with food, drives, accomodation, visits, prayers, blue light blessings wrapped me and my family in a furry blanket of many colours.  Emails, facebook comments, phone calls, cards, flowers, a bottle of Baileys, and a big container of homemade chicken stew ....... visits to my office and home from caring hearts wishing me speedy recovery ..... wow, WOW, WOW!  Thank you so much.   Thank you, thank you.

I am blessed, loved, looked after, in charge sometimes, grateful, and tremendously frightened by this part of my life journey.  I hold on as I let go.  As this new morning's waves break into a new dawn, I give thanks for a new day.  Fresh with no mistakes.  So far. Open to opportunities to connect with others.  One full of humour and frustrations ..... of challenges and comfort ...... of beautiful Arias, laments as well as hip swaying rhythms ...... of shared smiles, stories and simmering learning, of giving it all I have.   May this day add a few grace notes to the opera that is my life, and the opera that is your life......  AND, may this day, a Friday, end with a glass of crisp white wine!   I hear wine goes well with drama.


Anonymous said...

The eloquence of your words will never cease to amaze me, to adore and admire you is an understatement.
LOvE LoVe sweet Dana xx
<3 Shaz

On a limb with Claudia said...

Gosh, your situation is tough on so many levels. First, you want this freakin' alien out of your precious body (or maybe that's me who wants it out of your body!); then the drama! I've been in similar situations where there's so much melodrama and then, silence.

What ever is next, we must assume, it's for your benefit. Because what do we get for assuming anything else! ;)

I'm with you my friend!

CorvusCorax12 said...

" Chalk it up to another life experience to teach me how to surrender my desire to control things over to the cosmos" that is a wonderful way to look at it, a lesson i'm trying to learn myself... letting go of control is hard though. I will light a candle for you on the 9th. Sending you my love.

Charles LeBlanc said...

There's a reason for everything...don't ever forget that one...:)

CindyBB said...

Wow, heatbreaking ... getting mind, body and spirit psyched up, lists written, family prepared only to be let down with the no-go news. Was sorry to hear this. Yes, wine does go well with drama. Enjoy your wine, you've earned it! I will be enjoying a glass (read bottle;0 )myself tonight ... long week and heck it's Friday. One must enjoy life.
P.S. Where did you live in Ontario?

Selma said...

It musrt have been such a let down after all that preparation both mental and physical. Not to mention the spiritual strain. Thinking of you, Dana. You are also in my prayers xxx

awareness said...

thank you Shaz! You are an inspiration to me. When I think about the medical journey you had to endure and how you did it with strength, humour and sheer determination despite the days when you felt so so sick, I know my trials will be so manageable. :)

awareness said...

Claudia.... definitely feeling as you describe. Plus, it is symbolically the beginning of the healing even though I don't feel sick or can even feel a lump!
Tonight, I'm home alone and yes there is silence. I have a week to go before I can have the surgery but am thinking I need to start the "healing" by staying home to really get over this cold, and to be in that silence as much as I can handle.

awareness said...

Corvus.... thank you! I checked out your blog. YOU are an amazing photographer! Beautiful1!! And you're near me geographically?
Thank you for lighting a candle. That is so nice of you. I have a picture in my head of that candle flickering heat. :)

awareness said...

Charles.... you are so right. There is a reason for everything and I think it is all about learning how to let go off our perceived power and control and let the universe look after us. Hope your day went better than you expected!!!!!!!

awareness said...

Cindy......... big shattering feeling. But, I sit here tonight after returning to work for two days feeling better. This cold is holding on and I need to take care of that AND my kids right now. Timing is everything..... :)

I grew up in Burlington. Spent my summers in the Minden area at a summer camp. Skiied mostly in New York State, but sometime (with high school teams) in your area. Went to University at Wilfrid Laurier and U of T and moved to New Brunswick in 1987. My family are still in Burlington.

I love the Maritimes. It suits me! Fredericton is a wonderful place to live.... its beauty, river, woods and big skies all speak to my sensibilities. :)

Have you always lived in Hockley Hills or have you moved around too?

awareness said... really looking forward to attending church services on sunday. the Minister is such a gifted orator and spiritual man. I know this is where the spiritual re-focus will happen.

Love to you xx